Returning the CDs to Pam was like the thing that symbolically finalized the whole thing, the last step, the seal on the bag. There are still a few little things, and I'll probably talk to B. about them later, but he never sees it the same way, and I don't really expect him to. I'll just have to see if he'll do this one small thing, or not.
I can't say I'm completely over it, I don't even know if I'm half over it. Now, it just seems that I'm numb. Just numb. The agony, the pain, the grief, it's like it just became a part of my usual environment. And I just learn to live with it, bear with it, I learned to walk around with it. I'm hoping some day, one day, I will finally be me again. I don't want to be defined by this. I don't want to be the girl whose boyfriend slept with one of her friends. That is not me. I think ever since I got together with B. I've started losing sight of myself and my identity. I became part of him, and lost some of me.
I used to like reading and writing a lot. I used to like music and math, I used to like history and literature. I still like most of these, but I haven't been paying attention to them enough. I feel that way. I still haven't learned the fine art of time management, I haven't learned how to balance my love life and my personal life. I haven't learned the technique to keeping me me, and still being a part of him.
I don't want to be defined by this pain, but these days, I feel like that's all there is to me. I've become shallow and materialistic. I deem myself worthy when others deem myself worthy. When they compliment my writing or my hair. Or when they tell me how pretty I am and how smart I am. I used to know these things about myself. I used to know my writing was good, I used to know that I was smart, and now I need people to tell me. I never used to be like that, I used to know myself.
After I found B. sleeping with Pam, I became insanely insecure. I compared myself to her. "Do you want her more than you want me?" "Is there something she has that I lack?" and all these stupid questions that only made me agonize so much more. I think knowing the truth to these questions is essential to healing though. Of course B. said that it was not because I was lacking anything or that she was better than me, he just did it because he was stupid. Like Clinton said, he had an affair for the stupidest reason, just because he could. God, men are such assholes sometimes.
I can't say much for myself though, I've cheated on boyfriends myself. Although none of them were as serious as B. and I are. For this one person, we were only dating for about 3 weeks and I was so disgusted by him, and I ended up liking his friend so his friend and I were kissing on the street and got caught by someone who knew the guy I was dating. My drive for doing that was two fold. First because I really liked his friend, and second because I wanted a reason to stop seeing the guy I was dating. And that second reason reminds me of what B. said when he told me that he wanted to do something to have me go away. That is purely selfish. Totally selfish, and now I realize that. Because you are hurting someone to side step the actual break-up with someone.
I think often that I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not strong enough to get through this, I should just stop trying. I should throw in the towel, stop seeing B. altogether, get myself together, I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship. And sometimes I think I'm just tricking myself, that this isn't worth all this pain and tears. All this work. I think that the only reason I'm staying is because it would be a pity to throw away a relationship I've already put 2 years and a half worth of effort in to. Maybe ending it with B. is the answer. Maybe we just need a lot of time apart, to heal, to lick our wounds, and in a couple years, maybe if the time is still right, we can get back together. Or maybe we won't get back together, and we'll find someone else we can be happy with, because now, it just hurts. It just hurts, hurts, hurts. I just hurt hurt hurt, and when I hurt like this, he hurts too. If I ever voice my pains, I know he feels guilty, so I don't want to voice them anymore. And I know it's all counter productive, but Jesus, it is so hard. Half the time I feel like I'm numbed by pain and then something triggers me and I just want to bawl like a baby.
I also tell myself that one day, one day far away, we'll get through all this, and it will just feel so good. And I'll be truly happy again, and I can finally stop having this storm cloud hanging over my head.
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